A Month and a Half Later

I'm so sorry that I have not posted for awhile.  I was hoping that I would have an interesting update or news when I posted again, but I really don't.

Our family has spent the past month and a half grieving and praying and trying to decide what to do next.  We had some time together with our church family after James died and a small memorial service for just family.  We also planted another tree.  So we now have the catalpa tree on the west side of the house for Samuel and an apple tree on the north side of the house for James.

Two days ago, I was finally able to pack up the clothes that we had hanging in the closet waiting for our little guy to come home.  That was pretty much awful.  I was so disappointed that I had washed all of the clothes that James had worn when Nate was with him in Liberia.  I wanted to have something of his that hadn't been washed.  So I was incredibly thankful two weeks ago, when Nate found a little washcloth in one of his suitcases that James had used that had never been unpacked.  I know it probably sounds silly, but it is such a gift to have that.

So where do we go from here?  What happens next?  We still really want to adopt a medical needs child from Liberia. Although we did not originally seek out this country, now that Nate has visited and fallen in love with it, we really want to continue to pursue it.  We just don't know when or how.

We've come to a decision that we do not want to continue working with the orphanage that James and Samuel were in. I certainly don't blame them for the boys' deaths, thats not it at all.  We've just had an extremely difficult time communicating with them.  I don't doubt their heart for the children, I am just so tired of having to fight our way through all of the miscommunication and frustration of working with them.  For that reason, we just can't continue with them.

Financially for us, this whole thing has been a leap of faith.  And I just want to cry when I think of the leap of faith some of you took to support us with your own money.  Our home study and I600A application fees with immigration are not "child specific" and can be used for a different child.  However, if we were going to move forward to adopt a child today, from our current vantage point, it would be insurmountable financially.  We were pursuing a legal guardianship with James and Samuel, which we got, but which was full of difficulties when it came to U.S. immigration.  We just aren't willing to go through that fight again. So next time, we want to pursue a full on adoption from the get go. This is more costly, however.

BUT, that doesn't mean we won't be able to afford it some time in the future.

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. 
Matthew19:26

Nate and I both feel very at peace about just sitting here for a bit and waiting.  Waiting until we figure out exactly where we feel God wants us next.  Waiting for God's perfect timing. We don't feel discouraged, but hopeful and even excited to see what that is going to look like!

So thank you again for all of your support, financially and emotionally.  This whole thing has been just crazy sad.  What I wouldn't give to hold James and Samuel in my arms RIGHT NOW... to just snuggle them up and love them to pieces!!  But there is nothing we can do except learn the lessons we've learned and to keep alive this new perspective we have on life.  We have so much and so many people have so little.  We are blessed with much, but we are also responsible for much!

Also, if anyone has any specific questions, please don't hesitate to ask.  I know a lot of people have hesitated to ask questions for fear of being nosy or making us sad, but we are really fine to talk about it, so don't be shy.